Having a Punderful Day
From April 22, 2021
On this page will appear past examples of my weekly newspaper column,
"At the end of the Line with Ed Kelemen."
Keep coming back, because it will be frequently updated.
I just had a punderful day, and here’s how it started ...
It dawned on me that all houses are female. Why did I come to this conclusion, you may ask. Simple, because they all wear address. When I went into the house, I spotted a teddy bear lying on the couch. He looked famished, so I offered him a sandwich. He replied, “No thanks. I’m stuffed.”
No matter, I made myself one. While I was in the kitchen making myself that sandwich, my sister bet me $100 that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti. Well – you should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.
Then, when going into the back yard, I stubbed my toe on the door sill and, arms all akimbo to regain my balance, almost tumbled down the rain-dampened steps from the porch. This got me to wondering if rain ever gets back up when it falls.. A quick check of the internet (which, as we all know never lies) revealed that yes it does – in dew time.
Later on in the day, I went out with a few of my friends to a paintball park so we could play a rousing game of good guys vs. bad guys. While there, I shot a fellow with my paintball gun just to watch him dye.
Speaking of being shot, I heard about a fellow at a furniture restoration company who had an unfortunate accident. It seems that the trigger on his upholstery gun jammed causing him to be shot nearly 200 times before someone had the presence of mind to pull its plug. He was rushed to the hospital by ambulance where the surgeon at the Emergency Room reported that he was fully recovered.
On the way home from the paintball park, I took a walk through a local park. While there I spotted an albino Dalmation. After all, it was the least I could do for the poor thing.
So I went back home. All that activity made me hungry again, so I made myself another sandwich with some fries on the side. And danged if I didn’t get some ketchup in my eyes when I was putting it on those fries! So now I have Heinzsight!
After I finished my dinner, I saw that the grass needed mowed. While cutting the grass, I got my foot caught under the mower and wound up in the Emergency Room along side the guy who got shot with the upholstery gun and had the same surgeon as he. All the toes on my left foot were amputated.
When I got home and checked my cell phone, it turned out that my girl friend had broken up with me by email of all things. I hadn’t known that she was lack toes intolerant.
It’s OK though, she was too much of a feminist for me. She complained when she tried to work at the post office saying they wouldn’t letter. She was told that only mails work there.
I tried to get all my problems off my mind by reading a book about anti gravity. It was great. I couldn’t put it down.
Finally, my eyes grew too tired to read, but I still couldn’t go to sleep after such a harrowing day. My mind had a zillion things running through it before it settled on one subject. Not really a subject of my choice, but it caught my attention for the whole rest of the night.
You see, I got to wondering where the sun had gone to and worrying about it prevented me from getting any sleep. But, finally, the answer dawned on me.
And smiling in the light of a new born day, I told anyone who would listen that, “Life is Good!”