Toby Takes Over
Originally Published 2/10/22
On this page will appear past examples of my weekly newspaper column,
"At the end of the Line with Ed Kelemen."
Keep coming back, because it will be frequently updated.
Hi! My name is Toby, I weigh 16 pounds and have light brown fur. Ed is too lazy to write today, so I'm taking over.
It's 5:30AM. Know how I can tell? Easy – the sky is beginning to get a little lighter over the top of the neighbor's house. I've been sleeping all night, so you know what I have to do. Yep – gotta wake up that old guy. I hope he's not too grumpy today, but I really don't care. I run across the room, down the stairs and jump up on the bed, run up his chest, and lick his face.
"Stop it Toby, stop it! I'll get up!" Just like that, he got up and put on his slippers. Rubbing his hand across his face, he walked to the back door, opened it, and said, "OK, OK, now you go to the potty now like a good little dog."
Geeze, I wish he wouldn't talk to me like that. It's embarrassing. I'm not a puppy anymore. Nevertheless, I go out into the back yard to find a suitable place to make my morning deposit. Wow! It's really cold out here! And that darn snow is up to my belly. I have to leap from place to place like a rabbit because my legs aren't long enough to just wade through it. I can't wait until it gets warm again.
Well, that didn't take long, but I'm freezing my butt off, so I run to the back door and give a few "yips" to let the old guy know I'm ready to come it.
He takes his sweet old time coming to the door, then makes some lame joke like, "Are you cold out there Little Fellow?"
I wish I could talk so I could say, "Yeah I'm cold. Just open the dang door!"
Finally, he opens the door laughing at his failed attempt at humor. I run in as fast as I can, just like every morning and head straight for my bowls of water and food. Dang! The water bowl's empty.
"Hey – yip, yip, yip."
He got the message and filled the bowl.
I ate a little breakfast and slurped some water, now it's time to find Penny. She's my best friend, even if she's a little crazy. She's pretty, all orange and white with great big brown and gold eyes, plus she's just about the same size as me. She likes to play "Catch me if you can." And I never can, but I keep trying.
I found her and started chasing her and we ran all over the house, across the bed, down the stairs, over the couch, under the kitchen table and up and across the dining room table. Then she ran up the steps half-way jumping onto the entertainment center. I can't follow her because I can't fit between the railings and she knows that. She's already tired of playing, she told me by hissing and flashing a sharp claw at my face. Like I said, she's crazy.
The old guy is yelling something about the time of day. Yes – I do know that it isn't even six o'clock in the morning yet.
Next I wander into the kitchen where Baby sleeps on a chair. She doesn't like me to bother her, but I do it anyway because it's fun. After telling Baby, "Good Morning," I find Felix sleeping on a chair in the living room. He is big and gray with yellow eyes and I leave him alone because he is just downright mean.
I did a complete check of the house making sure that everything was OK, then climbed back up on the bed, circled three times and plopped down to sleep some more knowing that everything is swell, and that "Life is Good."
Don't send questions, comments, or nasty remarks to me because I don't care. Send them to Ed at firstname.lastname@example.org instead.